About me:

When I turned 44 I announced I wanted to have a baby. I received minimal, if any, support.

My path to motherhood was rocky, so I can't really blame my friends and family for their guarded, skeptical, and very limited enthusiasm. Several people tried to talk me out of even trying to get pregnant. I was warned of all the dangers of becoming an older mom, included risks such as Down Syndrome, my risk of miscarriage, and the fact that I will be so much older than the other moms. Some members of my family practically pleaded with me not to head down that path. I would not be swayed. I knew in my heart that I had a daughter, and I was going to be her mother one way or another.

I suppose it is helpful to have some background as to why so many people were cautioning me. Many mothers travel a bumpy road, with joy and heartbreak along the way. I would not say my experiences were more painful than most, but it was a bit unusual. It is one of those stories where people end up saying to me "You should write a book".  I have actually started the book, and even though I will share some of the story here, I still claim all rights to our story, an will write that book, in my spare time.

I have been pregnant 5 times. I have given birth 2 times. I have known the joy of holding and raising one child.

I have never willingly ended a pregnancy or terminated parental rights, but with my first child, I was forced to relinquish him for adoption, and I have lost 3 to miscarriage.

My first pregnancy was when I was in high school in the 1970s, and the adults in charge determined that I should not parent my own child. While they now regret that decision, at the time of my pregnancy I was sent to a "home for unwed mothers" where I was to relinquish the baby as soon as he was born, and I was never to see my boyfriend again.  I was never allowed to hold our child, only look at him through the glass like a stranger in the nursery.  I remember him looking at me a crying. He cried, I cried, and they took him away.

Over the next 20 plus years, I would conceive 2 other times, but lost both early in the pregnancy. I was devastated. I really wanted to be a mother, yet at every turn, motherhood eluded me.

I found our son shortly after he turned 21, and I located his father a few years later. We had never really gotten over our early loss and since we were both single at the time, we began a long distance relationship. Eventually we were married and he moved to the state were I lived at the time. 9 months to the day later, two and a half months before my 45th birthday, we welcomed our second child into the world. She and her full blood big brother are just under 30 years apart in age. I finally have her, the daughter I had always known was going to be mine. We did try one more time to have another baby.  There is still a part of me that still feels as if our family is not complete, yet it was not to be. I try to never dwell on what I have lost, though I never forget. I instead try to focus on our many blessings, including the beautiful girl we get to call our own, and our son and grandchildren who we are lucky to have in our lives.

Becoming a mother so early in life resulted in missing out on my son's entire childhood.
Becoming a mother so much later in life resulted in an entirely new set issues, but along with those issues, a different perspective and appreciation for the opportunity to be a Mommy.


© Vicki L. Ayres-Benson and motherhoodlater.blogspot.com, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Vicki L. Ayres-Benson and motherhoodlater.blogspot.com. with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.